A Brief Rant about Moles

   BEEEEPZT BEEEEPZT. This sound haunts my dreams. I am at my wits end. This incessant noise has terrorized my street for the last year or so. Everyone reaches their breaking point, and today on my walk with Macaroni, I have reached mine. 
    From what I understand, this noise appears to be part of a device that vibrates to help rid one’s yard of moles. However, what it fails to consider is how much it bothers me. At any given time, if you stand in the street you hear this noise, cutting through the tranquility of suburbia and replacing it with the chaos of a 20th century refinery. I’m being dramatic but you get my point. I cannot stand this thing. But here is the best part. It doesn’t work. My neighbors have had this in their yard for the better part of a year. By my count this morning they have three mole-hills in their yard. Obviously this thing operates using some sort of pseudo science. Here is my advice for my neighbors on how to rid their yard of their mole population.
    Poison. Nothing, in my experience, works better. Go to Home Depot and buy the little gummies that look like works but are chock-full of neurotoxins. Then place them in the mole hills. I guarantee you, your mole problem will soon be over. I also have more ideas. 
    Pee. While I don’t know if this actually works, I have a relative that swears by it. (You know who you are). Personally, I’ve never tried this, but my relative has an excellent yard.
    Finally, we have total war. A combination of multiple of these methods. Poison and pee. At one point we had this trap that went over the top of the hole, kind of like a mouse trap, but it didn’t work so I do not recommend it. There is also taking it too far. Smoking them out. I don’t know how one would achieve this, or what dangers it would present, but I feel like it would work. 

    Of course there is one thing we are all forgetting. Perhaps having moles in your yard isn’t that deep. (Pun intended). They are a part of the ecosystem. They help with soil aeration, control other pests, and enhance the nutrients in their soil. Perhaps instead of raging a crusade against these poor creatures we can live in harmony. To quote George W. Bush “I believe that the [mole] and the human being can co-exist.” But please, don’t put the vibrating things in your yard. It's simply not worth it. 

By I,Stanislaw Szydlo, CC BY-SA 3.0